So here I am thinking, that can be a dangerous thing,
especially for me ha ha. I have so many thoughts about what my family and I
have been going through lately. But I have to say that it could be worse, and I
am sure many who have read or know anything about me feel the same. It can
always be worse, right? Grief, what a nasty little word huh. But we all go
through it in some way, shape or form at some point in our lives.
Grief, maybe I should Google the definition, nahhh that is
no fun! I will give it in my words. Basically grief to me is the loss of
something or also the fact of having to deal with something very hard. I have
not looked up the exact meaning but for me this is what it is, and since this
is my blog that is how I will refer to it, ha, there it is!
We all go through some sort of grief, whether it be the loss
of a loved one or the loss of a job, or the loss of anything. But I do feel
there are some forms of grief that are harder to deal with than others, even if
the process of going through grief may be similar. Such as denial and etc. But
I am not going to go into that, it’s boring, and frankly it can be googled ha
ha.
I have always thought of myself as a very strong willed
positive person, and probably most that meet me would say the same thing, at
least those who have been around me a lot. I am normally energetic and I always
try to find the good in something and the good in someone. Then a big life-changing event comes!
BOOM out of nowhere my human side kicks in, and I start going through the
process of grief.
I suppose that is what I have been going through lately. Yes
I can admit it, I am human and I can be weak at times to the human side of me
no matter how positive of a person I am. And yes I have been through this as
every human being has been as well at some point in life, and I have
experienced it in several different ways throughout my life. But I always try
to tell myself, “Wow Dawn, get over it, it could be worse!” But that does not
mean I do not need to mentally go through the process of it and experience the loss of what I am
going through.
I do not write blogs to get pity from others, I write to
release all the natural human emotions, and for theis simple fact I may be able
to help someone. What if someone out there feels alone, and they need to feel,
not so alone, and they come across something similar as my story? That is a
wonderful thing! I say this because I have met only one other person that has
the same diagnosis as me, and just hearing that I am not alone, and all about
the struggles and feelings they go through, is well, I don’t know how to
explain it. But I am not alone! Someone does understand! Woo hoo! It is a
wonderful feeling! So I write, about what may be mundane to some, and life
changing and inspirational to others. We all go through something, and right
now this is my struggle, the diagnosis of Dopa Responsive Distonia, the loss of
my career I worked so hard for, and just trying to manage family and health.
All of this is completely out of my control! That is one
hard thing, because being a strong willed person it’s hard to say sometimes,
“Ok, maybe I need to take it easy.” I say this because of my decline over the
years, it did not happen all at once for me, but little by little I just got to
where I could not be the same person I was, even the person I was the day
before. I pushed, I tried, I struggled, I pushed harder, but still I was not
the same. I did not have the same energy, everything made me tired, no matter
how much coffee, I could not move faster, I just was not the same. And now after many long years I have to
face it! Yes I have to face it! This is another hard thing for someone who is
strong willed! When strong willed people meet challenges it makes them try
harder, but in my case I just could not try harder, my body just would not let
me. My body tried to tell me, “Hey, Dawn! What’s up! You can’t do this! So to
show you BOOM! TAKE THAT!” And guess what, I did not listen, I kept trying to
push harder and harder, to combat the fatigue, to combat my ever weakening and
stiffening muscles, and the 24/7 pain, and this made me even worse. But I can be proud of one thing, I did
it all with a big smile on my face and even at my worse, I would do my best to
encourage others, that’s just me, that’s what I do. But there comes a time that
even the encouragers must give in.
Don’t get me wrong, I was pushing for my doctors to figure
out what was wrong, but I in know way wanted it to be something that would slow
me down! Not me, I am Dawn! I work hard, play hard and love hard! I wanted a
quick fix.
But now here I am, I have to face everything, I have to face
my ever changing body, I have to face all these medications, I do not have a
quick fix. I have to slow down and actually take care of myself. OH MY, that
thought is absurd! I take care and provide for everyone else! It’s not supposed
to be the other way around! Ha Ha.
So here I am rambling on, I guess I could go into more
technical detail huh. I was relieved when my neurologist finally after all
these years told me what was going on. He had an answer, and yes some
medication to help. But I think I was not ready for it mentally, maybe I
thought he would blow it off as every other doctor would and send me on my way.
NOPE, here I am going to all these different doctors, suffering from horrible
pain, and my body sometimes still will not work with me, on some days. Nope not
a quick fix like I was thinking, something not in my control.
But what I can control is how I still contribute. No I am
not working and I cannot work at the moment, even my exercise is limited. This
is hard because I don’t want people to help take care of me, I want to
contribute financially, I loved working as a microbiologist/scientist! I felt
there was meaning in it. But sadly I was wrong, there is more to life than a
title, more than what you contribute financially. Its called family!
I can control how I take care of my family, my home and my
children. So see here I go again, I have found the good in something bad as I
mentioned earlier, ha ha. Look at me still being positive about something huh!
I will admit it is hard dealing with the loss of my job, but now I can take all
that I focused on work, and put that were it is most important, my children, my
family and my health. This is
funny, I’m trying to be serious and here I am with a big smile on my face
thinking of all the cute things my kids say and how proud I am of all of them. Maybe at some point I will go into more
details of my Dystonia, but I suppose this is what I felt like writing about
today.
My family is amazing! A perfect combination of every
personality, both in my home and far away, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles. And
I am happy that I can find the good in my time of Grief. I am more than a
microbilogist/scientist, I am a wife and a mother, a sister, a daugher, a niece
and an aunt! And I could not be any happier about it. Yes some days are tough,
but for strong willed people, that makes us try harder.
I’m not real sure about the point of this particular
posting, but I think I just figured it out. No matter what you are going
through, no matter what kind of grief you face. Simply stated, find the good,
and the positive in it.
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